It's like that moment when you realize that perhaps...

You are Peter Pan...

and that changes everything...

With utmost sincerity, 
Kaitlin R. 

 

Melancholy Air

There's a vibe in the air I don't quite understand.
I don't know if I'm supposed to or not.

Though it settles on the heart
and

weighs

you (me)

down.

Still. I find immense beauty in Bleak Things.
I love grey skies. I love dead trees.
I love that the leaves are falling.
So maybe,
if I can find beauty in the bleak things that are physical...
Perhaps there's beauty in the bleak things that aren't.

That's true.

There's a sweetness to pain. A bitter sweetness.

Forgive me for the rather melancholy air of this post.

I'm just trying to figure something out. 

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

I had forgotten...

There are moments, like when a handsome boy tells you you're cute, that make you go all sorts of giddy inside. And it's not necessarily that you like said boy, but you've just been hoping and wishing someone would say that to you because it hasn't happened in a while. And you felt a little bit starved and needy.

Yeah, giddy indeed.

Regardless.

I found a magical place. It's sort of a home away from home away from home. 

Trees that sway in the breeze...

Neverland.

Indubitably.

I love that word. Indubitably. 

I'm realizing more and more that people don't really care. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's a good thing actually. We're all fighting a battle. 

Don't kill any mockingbirds. 

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

...

I don't belong to this place. 

I don't feel a connection to this soil, these trees, the sidewalks. 

At home I knew where my feet would take me if I just walked. I knew what it felt like to stand in the grass in my front yard on summer evenings. 

Sometime I feel frozen. Sometimes I feel like those blasted trees will never blossom; never bloom. Some have started. But I don't look at the city from up on a hill and see green swaying. Sometimes I'm irrationally afraid I never will.

I want a thunderstorm. 

I want to go back to the days of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Sometimes I miss ponytail Zuko. 

I want to feel connected to this place. I want it to not be a strangers land. 

I want to see mountains again, mountains...

Then I remember it's time to begin.

 It's not the place. It's perspective.

I don't always believe that though. There's a reason my roots are so close to a suburb sidewalk, to a quiet street, to the place where the mountain meets the valley. 

I won't get to see my home in Spring. It's rather nice when it's in Spring. 

Nicer in late summer and early Autumn. Thankfully I'll be home then. 

{I don't know what I did to deserve so much from you, Lord. I am thankful everyday, in every way I know how, and I know it's not enough. Please help me to be more thankful. Help me to endure my blessings.}

"Lord, grant me the patience to endure my blessings, and the courage to face them."

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

Just a little down today...

First>>

I do not understand what I did wrong.

Second>>

I am glad that bad guys are captured and that people can come together. 

Third>>

I am sad that there have to be so many hurts first, and then more after. 

Fourth>>

I feel a little distant today.

Fifth>>

I want to stay at home. Forever. 

<<First

And it makes me wonder what else in my life was I wrong about. 

<<Second

God Bless America

<<Third

We will not give in. We will not give up. 

<<Fourth

There are beautiful things in the distance. Sometimes it is not such a bad place.

<<Fifth

There is no place like home. But home is not home unless I have been away first.

* * *

I feel bad that I got really upset today because a new episode of one of my favorite shows got cancelled because of extensive news coverage of the Boston man-hunt. 

I feel really bad because I got all upset and then I thought of the families of the people who died. And I thought of the people who got limbs torn from them in such violence and hate. And I thought of my country. And I thought of families. And I thought of those two men who did it all and I got mad. And then I got weary. And then I realized I should stop putting so many "I's" in my sentences. 

We'll keep going, because that's what we do.We.

I found out a hard thing about myself. And it makes me sad and lonesome feeling. It's one of those things that you just are and can't really change. It's not a bad thing. Just a hard thing. And it makes me feel bad that it's not bad, and I shouldn't have to apologize, but I still do because that's another thing that I am. I'm a sorry-er. Just like I'm a crier. I'm a sorry-er. 

Sorry, it's a down day. 

Tomorrow will be kinder.

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

I'd like to think...

I'd like to think maybe I was wrong and that you weren't. 

And that you didn't take yourself away so suddenly and so soon.

{Have a heart?}

They asked that? 

Who asked that?

They'll blame you, I know, it's so easy to blame...too easy.

I'm sorry that they have to let you go so soon. 

I'm sorry they were wrong.

I'm sorry I wasn't. 

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

There are moments that fall closely together, one by one. 

And those moments are life. There are millions of them. A wink, a smile, a smirk. A kiss, a sigh, a tear. 

If I've learned nothing from these moments, then I have not been paying attention.

There is something so beautiful about tire swings. Tire swings in summer. Grass blowing in the early evening breeze. The slanted sunlight lighting the mountains to the east. 

I breathe it in, but somehow it's not as sweet as it was when I was a child. Or maybe it's exactly the same, but I'm not as sweet. 

Is that an inevitability of growing up?

I didn't mean to. I don't know if I wanted to or not. I had to. There was no way around it. 

I've heard it said though, that growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 
I try to live like that. 

Yes...
There are those moments when I am completely and utterly a child. A child in the real sense of the word. Not childish. Not immature. Not wanting my mommy (which I often do).

I mean those moments when I catch a glimpse of the Never Never Land. When I can smell its sandy shore. I will no longer land there...

And that's okay. Though it hurts something awful sometimes.  

But.

We were made to grow. Up? Old?

Old. Perhaps with a sprinkling of up.

There is something inherently good about being a child. There is something beautiful and wonderful and breathtakingly lovely about being a child.

I sense in every summer breeze...and around Christmas time. Oh yes...always around Christmas time...

I never saw Boo Radley. I wonder if he saw me?

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

Letting Go...

Goodbye's are always bitter-sweet.

To be going is an incredible thing. It's good to go. To get somewhere. To move along. To live.

That's why it's bitter-sweet.

Is someone always left behind? Are goodbye's one person going on and one person staying.

I am staying. I'm in a waiting place. Waiting.

Left behind?

I'm not so sure...

I do know this. Letting go does not mean giving away forever. Goings are not forever. Going in and of itself implies return.

But living is. Living is forever.

Am I living? Truly? Deeply? I am alive. But do I live?

I know it's like letting a bit of your heart take to the road. Arms spread. Flying. And somehow the rest of you is still on the ground watching it go.

Watching with all hope and happiness and joy. Watching with all pride and fascination.

Watching with all longing and wonderment.

I do not know why I am staying, or waiting, or whatever it is I'm doing.

But, I do know that I will. I will wait. I will stay. I will watch. I will live, in my own way.

I will keep making my arms stronger, so one day I can fly.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

Sometimes I want to be kissed. 

Is that bad? Probably not. 

College has become a jumble of walking and cold and shoving information into my brain where is pokes the backs of my eyes. Sometimes causing headaches, sometimes causing me to see things I never saw before. 

I want to be a Church Archivist when I grow up. 

I have an awful lot of growing up to do; I realize that more and more everyday. 

I have a very low hemoglobin level. I tried to donate blood today but was unable to. Low iron...hmmm...highly suspect. 

I work on strengthening my arm muscles so that one day I can fly. 

The Constitution of the United States is an incredible and beautiful thing. It's not something to be treated lightly, or to be considered "out dated" because it's not. 

{Except my life, except my life, except my life...}

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

Irrational...

My humanities textbook said something that I ended up writing on a piece of paper and sticking to my wall.

{Just because it's irrational doesn't mean it's not real...}

How great is that?!!

I guess I like it so much because I'm an irrational human person. 

...

I love Ellen Degeneres. 

I watch her videos on Youtube and I always end up crying when she gives things away. She's just so bright and so good. 

I want to be like that. I want to be brighter and better and inspire people!

...

I also heard another quote from a video by "Kid President."

{We can cry about it, or we can dance about it.}

I love that. 

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

I'm going on an adventure...

Well, this is it.

I'm moving out in a few hours...

I'm still in denial a little bit...I just keep thinking of Bilbo and how he didn't want to leave his home, just wanted to stay and be comfortable...but, he went...and so must I.

More adventures to come!

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.  

Those were the stories...

Bask in this glorious and hopeful message...

"Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. 

Frodo: What are we fighting for, Sam?"

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

I just...I can't describe my love for The Lord of the Rings. There's so much. Really...just, ah...

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R. 

And...

Furious

and,

anxious

and,

so, like, confusedddddd!

But guess what? I watched an old science fiction movie with my dad last night. I was not expecting it to freak me out, but oh, it did...

Also, Slenderman...freaky! Still, gives me a good idea, but more on that never.

There's this weird anime I watch called Sgt. Frog. It's the weirdest thing, but I find it really entertaining and I love it.  I don't recommend it to you, unless you really like anime and silly cartoons.

I need to go dance. Do you ever need to go dance? I need to go dance.

You need to go dance.

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

P.S. I'm moving out (finally!) in about a month. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Track 4...

{We are, all of us, children. Waiting. Watching. Hoping. Daring to believe.}

With utmost sincerity, 
Kaitlin R.

Wilson!!!

{You know me like medicine companies know the flavor of fruit.

Which is to say, not at all.}

{But, you still do your job...so I suppose that makes up for it.}

{And I guess it's not your fault.}

Say hello to the week of Thanksgiving! It's weird that it's so soon...I feel like it should still be ages away.

But,

I'm thankful for monkey's and apple cider.

For blue jeans and grass.

For knowing looks and the orange glow of street lamps on wet sidewalks.

For my Savoir who's kind enough to keep reminding me, because I forget.

Way. Too. Often.

(Should that be 'to'?)

For my God who answers my prayers in ways I expect and ways I don't.

For mummy's and archeologists.

For Lemony Snicket and J.K. Rowling.

For C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien.

For faux leather boots and the word "fluffly" (which, technically isn't a real word, but whatever, right?).

For pears and pickles and parachutes.

For you.

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.

 

I will simply deny you the crown...

{And live forever...}

There are moments at work when I just want to shout at everyone to go home.

Basically it goes like this:

*People touching displays, ruining all the things I freshly folded, and being a general pain*

Me: (In my head): Okay, people, I understand that things are cute, but if you drop it on the floor, please pick it up.

*People continuing onward.*

Me: (In my head, of course.) Okay, go home now, all you people. Why do you want to be out anyways? It's Friday, traffic's bad, go home and eat food and watch t.v. and read a book! That's what I'd be doing...so, go home, thanks.

And then I go onward.

{Note, I do not always feel like that. Usually I'm okay with people messing up displays and stuff, it's just on busy nights when I go insane!}

 Then there are other times when teeny boppers (that is to say: girls who act, or rather try to act like they're 19, but are actually twelve {granted, we all did that at one point, so...}) come in and I'm just like:

You dress better than me...and you're twelve.

It's an odd thing.

Also, I register for classes on Monday, and I have no idea what I'm doing...so...yeah...

Also, I need to take a class where I can sing! I've been singing songs all week. Broadway, Disney, Church, Christmas, pop...Ah! I just love to sing! :D


I feel like Slim, the walking stick from "A Bug's Life," when he's says, "...and I'm a flower, with nothing interesting to say..."

Ha, ha...yeah, makes me laugh.

Also, there's a show on NBC called "Grimm" and I ADORE it. A lot.

That's narwacky!

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

And then some...

 Go to this blog and love it! Also, watch the video. You will laugh.

http://leannade.blogspot.com/

I love this weather. I love clouds.

Especially gray ones.

Okay, I've nothing more to say today.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.  

Don't come easy...

Well, at least I can still eat chocolate and enjoy music.

Also, I have an interview at Barnes and Noble tomorrow!!!

I am beyond ecstatic! An interview at one my favorite shops?! Blessings!

I mean, I may not get it, but still, it's nice to see some results.

 {Victory, victory, through Him who redeemed us...}

Okay, have a good one!

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R. 

The boy who lived...

On this night 31 years ago, Lily and James Potter were murdered by Lord Voldemort.

Their son, Harry Potter, survived the killing curse.

To Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived.

Oh, and it was Halloween! Yay!

I like Halloween! I dressed up as Indiana Jones! (Pictures coming soon, because I know you all care!)

Okay, love and chocolate!

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.      

I'm a liebster...

I was nominated for this award thingy by the dear, sweet Miss Carolina. Visit her lovely blog here!

She's an absolutely spiffing person!

Basically, Miss Carolina has given me some questions to answer! Yay!

1. Hogwarts House?

    Hufflepuff!!! Yes! I am a badger!

2. What are your go-to questions when you first meet someone?

    Just your basic, "Hello, nice to meet you, what's your name?...Where are you from?...What brings you to Utah?...What's you're major?...What's your job?..."

3. What is your earliest memory?

    My third birthday party! I remember getting a little book from my uncle!

4. What are you SO happy about right now??

    I'm happy that I was able to sleep in and that today is my day off! Oh, and that tomorrow is Halloween!

5. What is a major goal of yours?
    Currently? To finish my book, not to get published, I don't think I'm that dedicated, but just to have. In the long term, to get married in the Salt Lake Temple and raise my family in righteousness. 

6. Favorite scripture? (I need to know!)

    Ah! This is so hard! Is it possible? Alma 48:17, 3 Nephi 17 (yes, the whole chapter), D&C 121-7-8, D&C 128:22-23...there's a ton more...Pretty much all of Isaiah, and all of everything because it's all SO GOOD! :D

7. If I had the nefarious spinach in my teeth, would you tell me?
    I would indeed my dear! :)

8. Best pumpkin you have ever carved?
    I actually got to carve pumpkins at my work last week and they were spiffy. I did a light house and an anchor! They were my favorite!

9. Favorite movie?
    "Beauty and the Beast." There's a great deal of nostalgia that influences this action. And the music and the magic and the memories...ah! I just adore it! If I had to choose another favorite movie...ah! There's so many that I adore! LOTR, The Mummy, Peter Pan (the one with Jason Issacs as Captain Hook, love him!),...there's just so much love!

10. Do you dance in the rain?
    I do, every available opportunity that I get. I heard a quote some years ago that I adore and feel is perfectly true. "Those who say sunshine is true happiness have never danced in the rain."

11.  Tell me something. (Not a question, just a request.)

    Molly Weasley's birthday's today! 

Okay, I send this blog award for extra special sweetness on to Sarah! At http://skettiseyes.blogspot.com/  

My questions for her are:

1. Favorite literary device and why?

2. Current favorite band?

3. Where do you want to be right now?

4. What are you most looking forward to for the near future? 

5. Current favorite book and why?

6. Do you prefer berries or stone fruit, like blueberries or peaches?

7. What's frustrating you most right now? 

8. Favorite television show and why? (Tell the people Sketti!)

9. Why is it so good to love stories and things that don't technically exist?

10. What were you doing before answering these questions on your blog?

11. Favorite poem?

Yay!

  

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.