So what? I'm still a rockstar...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_StaUBIsG64

Listen to that song and love it. Love it a lot, 'cause I sure do!

I'm a little tired, and a little heart-sick.

Today, I said goodbye to the best person I know. I will see her again, I know that, but the pain is still there. And it's very...painful (obviously)...and it's very real.

Thank the Lord above for best friends and for sunshine and for tender mercies. 

"No more a stranger nor a guest but like a child at home."

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

I had forgotten...

There are moments, like when a handsome boy tells you you're cute, that make you go all sorts of giddy inside. And it's not necessarily that you like said boy, but you've just been hoping and wishing someone would say that to you because it hasn't happened in a while. And you felt a little bit starved and needy.

Yeah, giddy indeed.

Regardless.

I found a magical place. It's sort of a home away from home away from home. 

Trees that sway in the breeze...

Neverland.

Indubitably.

I love that word. Indubitably. 

I'm realizing more and more that people don't really care. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's a good thing actually. We're all fighting a battle. 

Don't kill any mockingbirds. 

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

...

I don't belong to this place. 

I don't feel a connection to this soil, these trees, the sidewalks. 

At home I knew where my feet would take me if I just walked. I knew what it felt like to stand in the grass in my front yard on summer evenings. 

Sometime I feel frozen. Sometimes I feel like those blasted trees will never blossom; never bloom. Some have started. But I don't look at the city from up on a hill and see green swaying. Sometimes I'm irrationally afraid I never will.

I want a thunderstorm. 

I want to go back to the days of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Sometimes I miss ponytail Zuko. 

I want to feel connected to this place. I want it to not be a strangers land. 

I want to see mountains again, mountains...

Then I remember it's time to begin.

 It's not the place. It's perspective.

I don't always believe that though. There's a reason my roots are so close to a suburb sidewalk, to a quiet street, to the place where the mountain meets the valley. 

I won't get to see my home in Spring. It's rather nice when it's in Spring. 

Nicer in late summer and early Autumn. Thankfully I'll be home then. 

{I don't know what I did to deserve so much from you, Lord. I am thankful everyday, in every way I know how, and I know it's not enough. Please help me to be more thankful. Help me to endure my blessings.}

"Lord, grant me the patience to endure my blessings, and the courage to face them."

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

Just a little down today...

First>>

I do not understand what I did wrong.

Second>>

I am glad that bad guys are captured and that people can come together. 

Third>>

I am sad that there have to be so many hurts first, and then more after. 

Fourth>>

I feel a little distant today.

Fifth>>

I want to stay at home. Forever. 

<<First

And it makes me wonder what else in my life was I wrong about. 

<<Second

God Bless America

<<Third

We will not give in. We will not give up. 

<<Fourth

There are beautiful things in the distance. Sometimes it is not such a bad place.

<<Fifth

There is no place like home. But home is not home unless I have been away first.

* * *

I feel bad that I got really upset today because a new episode of one of my favorite shows got cancelled because of extensive news coverage of the Boston man-hunt. 

I feel really bad because I got all upset and then I thought of the families of the people who died. And I thought of the people who got limbs torn from them in such violence and hate. And I thought of my country. And I thought of families. And I thought of those two men who did it all and I got mad. And then I got weary. And then I realized I should stop putting so many "I's" in my sentences. 

We'll keep going, because that's what we do.We.

I found out a hard thing about myself. And it makes me sad and lonesome feeling. It's one of those things that you just are and can't really change. It's not a bad thing. Just a hard thing. And it makes me feel bad that it's not bad, and I shouldn't have to apologize, but I still do because that's another thing that I am. I'm a sorry-er. Just like I'm a crier. I'm a sorry-er. 

Sorry, it's a down day. 

Tomorrow will be kinder.

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

I'd like to think...

I'd like to think maybe I was wrong and that you weren't. 

And that you didn't take yourself away so suddenly and so soon.

{Have a heart?}

They asked that? 

Who asked that?

They'll blame you, I know, it's so easy to blame...too easy.

I'm sorry that they have to let you go so soon. 

I'm sorry they were wrong.

I'm sorry I wasn't. 

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

"Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day."

Pathetic life voids for the winning!

So, I ate a ton (almost literally) of cotton candy just a bit ago, and now I feel like blahka!

There's really nothing for me to say, except that it got up to 60 degrees up here and...I thought it was too hot. Seriously. It's so hot.

I love America. I'm going to be politically incorrect here. Deal with it.

I love America. I love all that it has to offer. I love being free. I love that people can have opinions, and even if you hate those opinions, people can still have them. I love the good we've done. Yes, we've been wrong. We've made mistakes, some huge, some smaller, some still haunt us. Still, we have done so much good in the world. Why do we so often gloss over the good and focus on the bad? I don't mean that just on the subject of America, but in general. We thrive on negativism. Dumb.

Anyways, I love America. I will fight for America. I will live for America.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

Letting Go...

Goodbye's are always bitter-sweet.

To be going is an incredible thing. It's good to go. To get somewhere. To move along. To live.

That's why it's bitter-sweet.

Is someone always left behind? Are goodbye's one person going on and one person staying.

I am staying. I'm in a waiting place. Waiting.

Left behind?

I'm not so sure...

I do know this. Letting go does not mean giving away forever. Goings are not forever. Going in and of itself implies return.

But living is. Living is forever.

Am I living? Truly? Deeply? I am alive. But do I live?

I know it's like letting a bit of your heart take to the road. Arms spread. Flying. And somehow the rest of you is still on the ground watching it go.

Watching with all hope and happiness and joy. Watching with all pride and fascination.

Watching with all longing and wonderment.

I do not know why I am staying, or waiting, or whatever it is I'm doing.

But, I do know that I will. I will wait. I will stay. I will watch. I will live, in my own way.

I will keep making my arms stronger, so one day I can fly.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

That first place...

I realized something the other night, as I was falling asleep. 

I feel like my whole life has been winter. I have not always felt like this. But the last few months have made me feel like my whole existence, all my thoughts, dreams, hopes, fears...all have been in winter. That all I've ever known is winter. That all I'll ever be is winter. This is not true, because I've lived every season of the soul more than once. And every season of the soul is a season I enjoy. Every season of the earth is a season I enjoy because God made them and gave them to me.

But it's winter now. 

And I have to keep hoping for spring. I have to keep searching for spring. I have to believe in spring. I have to believe spring will come, and with it something else to thaw my soul.

I keep hoping for spring. Hoping so much it hurts. Hurts because the icy tendrils on my heart get nervous. Nervous because they don't want it to be spring. Spring because it's a threat to their life and they don't want to let go. Go because they must. Must because I have to be green again. Again because that's what I was in that First Place.

I need to be green again.

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.

Sometimes I want to be kissed. 

Is that bad? Probably not. 

College has become a jumble of walking and cold and shoving information into my brain where is pokes the backs of my eyes. Sometimes causing headaches, sometimes causing me to see things I never saw before. 

I want to be a Church Archivist when I grow up. 

I have an awful lot of growing up to do; I realize that more and more everyday. 

I have a very low hemoglobin level. I tried to donate blood today but was unable to. Low iron...hmmm...highly suspect. 

I work on strengthening my arm muscles so that one day I can fly. 

The Constitution of the United States is an incredible and beautiful thing. It's not something to be treated lightly, or to be considered "out dated" because it's not. 

{Except my life, except my life, except my life...}

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

I'm going on an adventure...

Well, this is it.

I'm moving out in a few hours...

I'm still in denial a little bit...I just keep thinking of Bilbo and how he didn't want to leave his home, just wanted to stay and be comfortable...but, he went...and so must I.

More adventures to come!

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.  

Wilson!!!

{You know me like medicine companies know the flavor of fruit.

Which is to say, not at all.}

{But, you still do your job...so I suppose that makes up for it.}

{And I guess it's not your fault.}

Say hello to the week of Thanksgiving! It's weird that it's so soon...I feel like it should still be ages away.

But,

I'm thankful for monkey's and apple cider.

For blue jeans and grass.

For knowing looks and the orange glow of street lamps on wet sidewalks.

For my Savoir who's kind enough to keep reminding me, because I forget.

Way. Too. Often.

(Should that be 'to'?)

For my God who answers my prayers in ways I expect and ways I don't.

For mummy's and archeologists.

For Lemony Snicket and J.K. Rowling.

For C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien.

For faux leather boots and the word "fluffly" (which, technically isn't a real word, but whatever, right?).

For pears and pickles and parachutes.

For you.

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.

 

Santa Claus...

I love this weather.

So.

Dang.

Much.

I love listening to Christmas music.

Yes, I know it's not Thanksgiving yet.

Sue me.

I am soooo excited for Thanksgiving!

See, you can still appreciate and enjoy and look forward to Thanksgiving while listening to Christmas music.

Here's the thing.

The last two months of the year are probably the most special to me. And that's because of one thing.

Family.

Family, family, family. I am convinced in my heart of heart, my soul of soul, that the family is central to God's plan of happiness. I know this too be true.

Yes, I so enjoy getting and giving presents. Yes, the snow makes everything more magical. The season is one of greatness and joy and love.

But, without family and without God...presents, snow, etc...they mean nothing.

It's because of family, my one on Earth and my one above, that I believe in Santa Claus, that I enjoy the snow more, that I have something to laugh about.

And I am so grateful I can have mine forever.

So, next time you are outside in that magical snowfall, next time you are hearing those sleigh-bells, next time you are dancing to the glorious Christmas music, next time you feel a thrill of hope to know that Thanksgiving is so close...

Remember that hand that wrote it all, and what He has given you that is far more important than any worldly thing.

I love you all. Happy Sabbath.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.   

      

I know it's gonna' be...

Whomever you are, there is a way back.

It does consist of going forward, and strangely enough, not turning back.

You will, of course, carry reminders. They're there for a very specific reason though.

To remember...

Still...it's better than carrying the real flesh wound with you for the whole journey.

The reminders get in the way sometimes. There are some who don't you to move on. They want you to fester and burn and break. They want you to think there is someplace like home; that it doesn't matter.

I'm sad to see you in a different place. You were getting there! Why did you go back?

{???}

But, remember what I said before?

There is a way back? And it consists of moving forward?

You know this. It's elementary...primary, really. *Cough, cough!*

So come home.

For your mother.

For your father.

For your Father.

For your Mother.

Come home for Him. He who knows the pains of permanence. He who know the hurt of hate. He who knows the details of doubt...

You may think I'm just saying this. You are wrong. I speak from experience.

There is a way back.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

Yes...

Yes.

I'm still here.

Sorry it's been so long.

 

{if lost, it can be found again, unless it's sunk into the sea.

if gone, it can come back again, though you never came to me.

if hurting, it can feel whole again, unless the time's too late.

if hating, you can love once more, because that is our fate. } 

It's sort of a depressing poem in some ways, but life's depressing in some ways.

On a brighter note, the church is true, the gospel is real, and our beloved prophet is truly a prophet of God.

Have grand adventures!

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.

Too hard...

{"You tried too hard," he said.

"I know," she said. 

"But," he began, "it's okay, because you can begin again."}

I know my Savior Lives.

I love Him.

Yesterday I had the privilege to go to the Conference Center for the General Relief Society Broadcast.

While I was listening, a small hole in my heart seemed to fill. I found what I was missing, and I realized that I was foolish enough to believe that I had been missing something physical, something touchable.

I see now that I was wrong, because there is enough.

There is enough time, enough money, enough goodness to keep going.

There is enough love and hope and faith.

There is enough, because God never faileth.

Because God has steered this world since its existence, so why would He stop now?

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

Days uno and two...

The first two days of being 19 have been...interesting.

On Saturday I worked a booth at the "Utah Valley Women's Expo."

After two or three women getting annoyed and upset that we didn't have anything free to give out. I decided I didn't want to be there anymore. 

This morning I woke up with a stomach ache that I promptly tried to ignore, but was forced to acknowledge half way through Sacrament Meeting when it decided to be nauseous as well as incredibly painful. I stayed long enough to sing the choir song, then booked it home.

I am feeling quite better now after spending a good deal of time with a towel on my pillow, and at the bathroom across the hall.

The only thing I really hope is that these first two days aren't a precursor to the rest of my 19th year.

I was very blessed this week though. Blessed to have friends who care about me from miles and miles away. 

Blessed to get through pain and suffering.

Blessed to know my Savior.

Have a good Sabbath.

And please enjoy this picture.

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R. 

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

Things to do:

1. Laugh every day.

2. Clean my room...then clean it again.

3. Make money so I can go to college. 

4. Actually get asked on a date instead of asking to be asked...

5. Figure out my visiting teaching situation.

6. Make money so I can go to college.

7. Remember that we can't go back because we were meant to go forward. 

8. Organize all the notebooks piled in haphazard skyscrapers around my room.

9. Make money so I can go to college.

10. "Serve God, love [others], and mend..." (Prize to the person who can tell me what that quote is from.)
 

Things to become:

1. Become a better laugher.

2. Become a better friend.

3. Become more loyal.

4. Start to learn how to learn to become a leader in my family. The one I have now and the one I will have.

5. Become a better writer.

6. Come to remember the knowledge that I am a Daughter of God. 

7. Become a better stayer-in-contacter...

8. Become a better woman.

9. Become a scholar.

10. Become to become.

Some of that was way random, but essential to my plan of focus and faith.

Cheers!
 

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.