I thank you, Mr. Tolkien.

There are no words.

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin

It's like that moment when you realize that perhaps...

You are Peter Pan...

and that changes everything...

With utmost sincerity, 
Kaitlin R. 

 

Melancholy Air

There's a vibe in the air I don't quite understand.
I don't know if I'm supposed to or not.

Though it settles on the heart
and

weighs

you (me)

down.

Still. I find immense beauty in Bleak Things.
I love grey skies. I love dead trees.
I love that the leaves are falling.
So maybe,
if I can find beauty in the bleak things that are physical...
Perhaps there's beauty in the bleak things that aren't.

That's true.

There's a sweetness to pain. A bitter sweetness.

Forgive me for the rather melancholy air of this post.

I'm just trying to figure something out. 

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

Here...

Here...look at these pictures. People are more interested in looking at things than reading anyways. 

I closed my eyes and chose these by random.

 Oh, Harry Potter. 

With utmost sincerity, 
Kaitlin R.

Home...

I'm home now with my beloved mountains, and real food.

It's odd and heavy, but not unpleasant. 

I saw a word recently that made me think. And thinking makes me nostalgic and that's just sometimes no good. I can't even remember why I loved these memories so much; why they mean so much to me because they're ordinary and uneventful, and you'd think I'd think of them last, but I don't. I never do. 

You know, I'm starting to realize something. 

To live will be an awfully big adventure.

To live is...

With utmost sincerity, 
Kaitlin R.

So what? I'm still a rockstar...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_StaUBIsG64

Listen to that song and love it. Love it a lot, 'cause I sure do!

I'm a little tired, and a little heart-sick.

Today, I said goodbye to the best person I know. I will see her again, I know that, but the pain is still there. And it's very...painful (obviously)...and it's very real.

Thank the Lord above for best friends and for sunshine and for tender mercies. 

"No more a stranger nor a guest but like a child at home."

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

I'm realizing more and more that I take myself way too seriously.

As Kid President says,

"We can cry about it, or we can dance about it."

Now, I'm no great shakes at dancing, but I love to do it all the same.

There's something special in the air up here. I think part of heaven will look like Idaho.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

I had forgotten...

There are moments, like when a handsome boy tells you you're cute, that make you go all sorts of giddy inside. And it's not necessarily that you like said boy, but you've just been hoping and wishing someone would say that to you because it hasn't happened in a while. And you felt a little bit starved and needy.

Yeah, giddy indeed.

Regardless.

I found a magical place. It's sort of a home away from home away from home. 

Trees that sway in the breeze...

Neverland.

Indubitably.

I love that word. Indubitably. 

I'm realizing more and more that people don't really care. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's a good thing actually. We're all fighting a battle. 

Don't kill any mockingbirds. 

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

One by one...

God gave me a thunderstorm.

Also, go read this lovely blog (http://skettiseyes.blogspot.com/) because its author is absolutely brilliant and will make you cry!

Yesterday I went swing dancing. Ha, yeah, that's a thing I do now. It's super fun! Anyways, this song came on and I think it should be shared. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efl6nkFVmoI

Laugh. Seriously. Just do it.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

(P.S. 11:11 make a wish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

...

I don't belong to this place. 

I don't feel a connection to this soil, these trees, the sidewalks. 

At home I knew where my feet would take me if I just walked. I knew what it felt like to stand in the grass in my front yard on summer evenings. 

Sometime I feel frozen. Sometimes I feel like those blasted trees will never blossom; never bloom. Some have started. But I don't look at the city from up on a hill and see green swaying. Sometimes I'm irrationally afraid I never will.

I want a thunderstorm. 

I want to go back to the days of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Sometimes I miss ponytail Zuko. 

I want to feel connected to this place. I want it to not be a strangers land. 

I want to see mountains again, mountains...

Then I remember it's time to begin.

 It's not the place. It's perspective.

I don't always believe that though. There's a reason my roots are so close to a suburb sidewalk, to a quiet street, to the place where the mountain meets the valley. 

I won't get to see my home in Spring. It's rather nice when it's in Spring. 

Nicer in late summer and early Autumn. Thankfully I'll be home then. 

{I don't know what I did to deserve so much from you, Lord. I am thankful everyday, in every way I know how, and I know it's not enough. Please help me to be more thankful. Help me to endure my blessings.}

"Lord, grant me the patience to endure my blessings, and the courage to face them."

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

Just a little down today...

First>>

I do not understand what I did wrong.

Second>>

I am glad that bad guys are captured and that people can come together. 

Third>>

I am sad that there have to be so many hurts first, and then more after. 

Fourth>>

I feel a little distant today.

Fifth>>

I want to stay at home. Forever. 

<<First

And it makes me wonder what else in my life was I wrong about. 

<<Second

God Bless America

<<Third

We will not give in. We will not give up. 

<<Fourth

There are beautiful things in the distance. Sometimes it is not such a bad place.

<<Fifth

There is no place like home. But home is not home unless I have been away first.

* * *

I feel bad that I got really upset today because a new episode of one of my favorite shows got cancelled because of extensive news coverage of the Boston man-hunt. 

I feel really bad because I got all upset and then I thought of the families of the people who died. And I thought of the people who got limbs torn from them in such violence and hate. And I thought of my country. And I thought of families. And I thought of those two men who did it all and I got mad. And then I got weary. And then I realized I should stop putting so many "I's" in my sentences. 

We'll keep going, because that's what we do.We.

I found out a hard thing about myself. And it makes me sad and lonesome feeling. It's one of those things that you just are and can't really change. It's not a bad thing. Just a hard thing. And it makes me feel bad that it's not bad, and I shouldn't have to apologize, but I still do because that's another thing that I am. I'm a sorry-er. Just like I'm a crier. I'm a sorry-er. 

Sorry, it's a down day. 

Tomorrow will be kinder.

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

I feel like the world is holding its breath.

And waiting

for 

the next

bomb 

to explode.




With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

I'd like to think...

I'd like to think maybe I was wrong and that you weren't. 

And that you didn't take yourself away so suddenly and so soon.

{Have a heart?}

They asked that? 

Who asked that?

They'll blame you, I know, it's so easy to blame...too easy.

I'm sorry that they have to let you go so soon. 

I'm sorry they were wrong.

I'm sorry I wasn't. 

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

"Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day."

Pathetic life voids for the winning!

So, I ate a ton (almost literally) of cotton candy just a bit ago, and now I feel like blahka!

There's really nothing for me to say, except that it got up to 60 degrees up here and...I thought it was too hot. Seriously. It's so hot.

I love America. I'm going to be politically incorrect here. Deal with it.

I love America. I love all that it has to offer. I love being free. I love that people can have opinions, and even if you hate those opinions, people can still have them. I love the good we've done. Yes, we've been wrong. We've made mistakes, some huge, some smaller, some still haunt us. Still, we have done so much good in the world. Why do we so often gloss over the good and focus on the bad? I don't mean that just on the subject of America, but in general. We thrive on negativism. Dumb.

Anyways, I love America. I will fight for America. I will live for America.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

There are moments that fall closely together, one by one. 

And those moments are life. There are millions of them. A wink, a smile, a smirk. A kiss, a sigh, a tear. 

If I've learned nothing from these moments, then I have not been paying attention.

There is something so beautiful about tire swings. Tire swings in summer. Grass blowing in the early evening breeze. The slanted sunlight lighting the mountains to the east. 

I breathe it in, but somehow it's not as sweet as it was when I was a child. Or maybe it's exactly the same, but I'm not as sweet. 

Is that an inevitability of growing up?

I didn't mean to. I don't know if I wanted to or not. I had to. There was no way around it. 

I've heard it said though, that growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 
I try to live like that. 

Yes...
There are those moments when I am completely and utterly a child. A child in the real sense of the word. Not childish. Not immature. Not wanting my mommy (which I often do).

I mean those moments when I catch a glimpse of the Never Never Land. When I can smell its sandy shore. I will no longer land there...

And that's okay. Though it hurts something awful sometimes.  

But.

We were made to grow. Up? Old?

Old. Perhaps with a sprinkling of up.

There is something inherently good about being a child. There is something beautiful and wonderful and breathtakingly lovely about being a child.

I sense in every summer breeze...and around Christmas time. Oh yes...always around Christmas time...

I never saw Boo Radley. I wonder if he saw me?

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

Letting Go...

Goodbye's are always bitter-sweet.

To be going is an incredible thing. It's good to go. To get somewhere. To move along. To live.

That's why it's bitter-sweet.

Is someone always left behind? Are goodbye's one person going on and one person staying.

I am staying. I'm in a waiting place. Waiting.

Left behind?

I'm not so sure...

I do know this. Letting go does not mean giving away forever. Goings are not forever. Going in and of itself implies return.

But living is. Living is forever.

Am I living? Truly? Deeply? I am alive. But do I live?

I know it's like letting a bit of your heart take to the road. Arms spread. Flying. And somehow the rest of you is still on the ground watching it go.

Watching with all hope and happiness and joy. Watching with all pride and fascination.

Watching with all longing and wonderment.

I do not know why I am staying, or waiting, or whatever it is I'm doing.

But, I do know that I will. I will wait. I will stay. I will watch. I will live, in my own way.

I will keep making my arms stronger, so one day I can fly.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

{Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling,
So kiss me.}

 BOLD>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>ITALICS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>UNDERLINED>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

NORMAL>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I AM ACHING FOR SPRING!!!

Seriously, it's like this well inside of me, building up. I can smell it in the air. I am dying for green things.

And I saw some green things, pushing their way through the dark earth, and it was beautiful.

Also, I know some who are the bravest and the strongest and I love them.

With utmost sincerity, 
Kaitlin R.

That first place...

I realized something the other night, as I was falling asleep. 

I feel like my whole life has been winter. I have not always felt like this. But the last few months have made me feel like my whole existence, all my thoughts, dreams, hopes, fears...all have been in winter. That all I've ever known is winter. That all I'll ever be is winter. This is not true, because I've lived every season of the soul more than once. And every season of the soul is a season I enjoy. Every season of the earth is a season I enjoy because God made them and gave them to me.

But it's winter now. 

And I have to keep hoping for spring. I have to keep searching for spring. I have to believe in spring. I have to believe spring will come, and with it something else to thaw my soul.

I keep hoping for spring. Hoping so much it hurts. Hurts because the icy tendrils on my heart get nervous. Nervous because they don't want it to be spring. Spring because it's a threat to their life and they don't want to let go. Go because they must. Must because I have to be green again. Again because that's what I was in that First Place.

I need to be green again.

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.

Sometimes I want to be kissed. 

Is that bad? Probably not. 

College has become a jumble of walking and cold and shoving information into my brain where is pokes the backs of my eyes. Sometimes causing headaches, sometimes causing me to see things I never saw before. 

I want to be a Church Archivist when I grow up. 

I have an awful lot of growing up to do; I realize that more and more everyday. 

I have a very low hemoglobin level. I tried to donate blood today but was unable to. Low iron...hmmm...highly suspect. 

I work on strengthening my arm muscles so that one day I can fly. 

The Constitution of the United States is an incredible and beautiful thing. It's not something to be treated lightly, or to be considered "out dated" because it's not. 

{Except my life, except my life, except my life...}

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

I have to say this...

Forgive me if this is crass, but I felt it needed to be said.

Pro-choice?

Yeah.

You can choose to not have sex.

You can choose to give your baby up for adoption.

You can choose to take responsibilities for your actions.

However, killing (yes, killing) and innocent child should not be an option. And the American people should by no means have to pay for it.

I know, under the laws of this country you can get an abortion.

But, why on Earth would you want to?

Sincerely,

Kaitlin R.

Irrational...

My humanities textbook said something that I ended up writing on a piece of paper and sticking to my wall.

{Just because it's irrational doesn't mean it's not real...}

How great is that?!!

I guess I like it so much because I'm an irrational human person. 

...

I love Ellen Degeneres. 

I watch her videos on Youtube and I always end up crying when she gives things away. She's just so bright and so good. 

I want to be like that. I want to be brighter and better and inspire people!

...

I also heard another quote from a video by "Kid President."

{We can cry about it, or we can dance about it.}

I love that. 

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

I'm going on an adventure...

Well, this is it.

I'm moving out in a few hours...

I'm still in denial a little bit...I just keep thinking of Bilbo and how he didn't want to leave his home, just wanted to stay and be comfortable...but, he went...and so must I.

More adventures to come!

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.