It's like that moment when you realize that perhaps...

You are Peter Pan...

and that changes everything...

With utmost sincerity, 
Kaitlin R. 

 

Melancholy Air

There's a vibe in the air I don't quite understand.
I don't know if I'm supposed to or not.

Though it settles on the heart
and

weighs

you (me)

down.

Still. I find immense beauty in Bleak Things.
I love grey skies. I love dead trees.
I love that the leaves are falling.
So maybe,
if I can find beauty in the bleak things that are physical...
Perhaps there's beauty in the bleak things that aren't.

That's true.

There's a sweetness to pain. A bitter sweetness.

Forgive me for the rather melancholy air of this post.

I'm just trying to figure something out. 

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

One by one...

God gave me a thunderstorm.

Also, go read this lovely blog (http://skettiseyes.blogspot.com/) because its author is absolutely brilliant and will make you cry!

Yesterday I went swing dancing. Ha, yeah, that's a thing I do now. It's super fun! Anyways, this song came on and I think it should be shared. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efl6nkFVmoI

Laugh. Seriously. Just do it.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

(P.S. 11:11 make a wish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

There are moments that fall closely together, one by one. 

And those moments are life. There are millions of them. A wink, a smile, a smirk. A kiss, a sigh, a tear. 

If I've learned nothing from these moments, then I have not been paying attention.

There is something so beautiful about tire swings. Tire swings in summer. Grass blowing in the early evening breeze. The slanted sunlight lighting the mountains to the east. 

I breathe it in, but somehow it's not as sweet as it was when I was a child. Or maybe it's exactly the same, but I'm not as sweet. 

Is that an inevitability of growing up?

I didn't mean to. I don't know if I wanted to or not. I had to. There was no way around it. 

I've heard it said though, that growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 
I try to live like that. 

Yes...
There are those moments when I am completely and utterly a child. A child in the real sense of the word. Not childish. Not immature. Not wanting my mommy (which I often do).

I mean those moments when I catch a glimpse of the Never Never Land. When I can smell its sandy shore. I will no longer land there...

And that's okay. Though it hurts something awful sometimes.  

But.

We were made to grow. Up? Old?

Old. Perhaps with a sprinkling of up.

There is something inherently good about being a child. There is something beautiful and wonderful and breathtakingly lovely about being a child.

I sense in every summer breeze...and around Christmas time. Oh yes...always around Christmas time...

I never saw Boo Radley. I wonder if he saw me?

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

That first place...

I realized something the other night, as I was falling asleep. 

I feel like my whole life has been winter. I have not always felt like this. But the last few months have made me feel like my whole existence, all my thoughts, dreams, hopes, fears...all have been in winter. That all I've ever known is winter. That all I'll ever be is winter. This is not true, because I've lived every season of the soul more than once. And every season of the soul is a season I enjoy. Every season of the earth is a season I enjoy because God made them and gave them to me.

But it's winter now. 

And I have to keep hoping for spring. I have to keep searching for spring. I have to believe in spring. I have to believe spring will come, and with it something else to thaw my soul.

I keep hoping for spring. Hoping so much it hurts. Hurts because the icy tendrils on my heart get nervous. Nervous because they don't want it to be spring. Spring because it's a threat to their life and they don't want to let go. Go because they must. Must because I have to be green again. Again because that's what I was in that First Place.

I need to be green again.

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.

Those were the stories...

Bask in this glorious and hopeful message...

"Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. 

Frodo: What are we fighting for, Sam?"

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

I just...I can't describe my love for The Lord of the Rings. There's so much. Really...just, ah...

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R. 

Wilson!!!

{You know me like medicine companies know the flavor of fruit.

Which is to say, not at all.}

{But, you still do your job...so I suppose that makes up for it.}

{And I guess it's not your fault.}

Say hello to the week of Thanksgiving! It's weird that it's so soon...I feel like it should still be ages away.

But,

I'm thankful for monkey's and apple cider.

For blue jeans and grass.

For knowing looks and the orange glow of street lamps on wet sidewalks.

For my Savoir who's kind enough to keep reminding me, because I forget.

Way. Too. Often.

(Should that be 'to'?)

For my God who answers my prayers in ways I expect and ways I don't.

For mummy's and archeologists.

For Lemony Snicket and J.K. Rowling.

For C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien.

For faux leather boots and the word "fluffly" (which, technically isn't a real word, but whatever, right?).

For pears and pickles and parachutes.

For you.

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.

 

And then some...

 Go to this blog and love it! Also, watch the video. You will laugh.

http://leannade.blogspot.com/

I love this weather. I love clouds.

Especially gray ones.

Okay, I've nothing more to say today.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.  

Are we human?...

 Confessions

1//I am a slight germophobe. Strangely enough, I can play in the dirt for hours without feeling anxious. After I touch an animal though, I have to wash my hands before I can touch anything else.

It doesn't make sense to me either.

2//Before I go to bed, I check my blankets and my ceiling for spiders. Don't call me paranoid. There was a spider in my bed once and one dangling from my ceiling another time.

I will never forget.

3//I'm addicted to book sniffing. The best smelling book I ever smelled was called Founding Brothers. It was about the founding fathers and such.

It smelled so good!!!

4//I don't have a favorite song or book (too hard to choose!!!), but I have a favorite color[s] and a favorite movie (though, there are many very, very, very close seconds to my favorite movie.)

{BTW, my favorite colors are green and gray and my favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast.}

5//I watch way too much television. Lately I've been watching a BBC series called "Rosemary and Thyme." It's really quite excellent, and it's on Netflix. I remember watching it with my mom on Sunday nights when I was younger.

6//If I stare at feet too long, they gross me out. I don't know why, but they remind me of alien-like, squid creatures.

Not pretty.

7//I see faces everywhere. That's sounds creepy, sorry. What I mean is that I see, like, eyes and a mouth in the randomness of architecture and in the folds of fabric.

I create some of them into characters.

8//In any random session of music listening on YouTube, I end up listening to a completely different genre than the one I started with. I go from POP, to Instrumental Music scores, to Alt Rock, to Big Band. 

It's so great.

9//I'm always imagining movie scenarios in my head and I'm completely convinced that I'm not the only one that does this.

10//I believe in Santa Claus.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

It's nice...

It's nice to know you exist.

To feel the breath going in and out of you.

To feel your heart beating.

Existence is excellent.

Like a cold breath of fresh clear air.

Existence is, of course, infinite.

We existed before, we will exist after, and we will exist always.

Read Gilead, a book by Marilynn Robinson. It's such a wonderful book. It talks about existence. It talks about life, and pain, and I guess in some ways they're the same thing. 

As The Man In Black said, "Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something."

And while I find that quote incredibly hilarious, I do not wholly  agree.

I mean, I agree that in life there is pain...lots of it...but that not the only reason why we're here. Yes, we have to know pain, but we have to know pain so we can know relief.

"She sat there then, looking out the window. Wondering why the world looked so gray. Life is more than just gray though. And in reality, there is no gray, there is only black and white...nevertheless, gray is such a lovely color." 

There is only black and white. Black and white in regards to the commandments of the Lord. There is no fence sitting. You are with Him or against Him. Living though, is meant to be so colorful. Why else would the Lord make so many colors. One of them gray, which happens to be one of my favorites.

Green and Gray...

One day I may write the rest of that sentence for you all to see.

But for now it is locked in my head and heart. And written many times in my journal.

I repeat it to myself every time there is a storm, and some days when there isn't one.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.