It's like that moment when you realize that perhaps...

You are Peter Pan...

and that changes everything...

With utmost sincerity, 
Kaitlin R. 

 

Melancholy Air

There's a vibe in the air I don't quite understand.
I don't know if I'm supposed to or not.

Though it settles on the heart
and

weighs

you (me)

down.

Still. I find immense beauty in Bleak Things.
I love grey skies. I love dead trees.
I love that the leaves are falling.
So maybe,
if I can find beauty in the bleak things that are physical...
Perhaps there's beauty in the bleak things that aren't.

That's true.

There's a sweetness to pain. A bitter sweetness.

Forgive me for the rather melancholy air of this post.

I'm just trying to figure something out. 

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

Home...

I'm home now with my beloved mountains, and real food.

It's odd and heavy, but not unpleasant. 

I saw a word recently that made me think. And thinking makes me nostalgic and that's just sometimes no good. I can't even remember why I loved these memories so much; why they mean so much to me because they're ordinary and uneventful, and you'd think I'd think of them last, but I don't. I never do. 

You know, I'm starting to realize something. 

To live will be an awfully big adventure.

To live is...

With utmost sincerity, 
Kaitlin R.

I'm realizing more and more that I take myself way too seriously.

As Kid President says,

"We can cry about it, or we can dance about it."

Now, I'm no great shakes at dancing, but I love to do it all the same.

There's something special in the air up here. I think part of heaven will look like Idaho.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

I had forgotten...

There are moments, like when a handsome boy tells you you're cute, that make you go all sorts of giddy inside. And it's not necessarily that you like said boy, but you've just been hoping and wishing someone would say that to you because it hasn't happened in a while. And you felt a little bit starved and needy.

Yeah, giddy indeed.

Regardless.

I found a magical place. It's sort of a home away from home away from home. 

Trees that sway in the breeze...

Neverland.

Indubitably.

I love that word. Indubitably. 

I'm realizing more and more that people don't really care. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's a good thing actually. We're all fighting a battle. 

Don't kill any mockingbirds. 

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

Just a little down today...

First>>

I do not understand what I did wrong.

Second>>

I am glad that bad guys are captured and that people can come together. 

Third>>

I am sad that there have to be so many hurts first, and then more after. 

Fourth>>

I feel a little distant today.

Fifth>>

I want to stay at home. Forever. 

<<First

And it makes me wonder what else in my life was I wrong about. 

<<Second

God Bless America

<<Third

We will not give in. We will not give up. 

<<Fourth

There are beautiful things in the distance. Sometimes it is not such a bad place.

<<Fifth

There is no place like home. But home is not home unless I have been away first.

* * *

I feel bad that I got really upset today because a new episode of one of my favorite shows got cancelled because of extensive news coverage of the Boston man-hunt. 

I feel really bad because I got all upset and then I thought of the families of the people who died. And I thought of the people who got limbs torn from them in such violence and hate. And I thought of my country. And I thought of families. And I thought of those two men who did it all and I got mad. And then I got weary. And then I realized I should stop putting so many "I's" in my sentences. 

We'll keep going, because that's what we do.We.

I found out a hard thing about myself. And it makes me sad and lonesome feeling. It's one of those things that you just are and can't really change. It's not a bad thing. Just a hard thing. And it makes me feel bad that it's not bad, and I shouldn't have to apologize, but I still do because that's another thing that I am. I'm a sorry-er. Just like I'm a crier. I'm a sorry-er. 

Sorry, it's a down day. 

Tomorrow will be kinder.

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

There are moments that fall closely together, one by one. 

And those moments are life. There are millions of them. A wink, a smile, a smirk. A kiss, a sigh, a tear. 

If I've learned nothing from these moments, then I have not been paying attention.

There is something so beautiful about tire swings. Tire swings in summer. Grass blowing in the early evening breeze. The slanted sunlight lighting the mountains to the east. 

I breathe it in, but somehow it's not as sweet as it was when I was a child. Or maybe it's exactly the same, but I'm not as sweet. 

Is that an inevitability of growing up?

I didn't mean to. I don't know if I wanted to or not. I had to. There was no way around it. 

I've heard it said though, that growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 
I try to live like that. 

Yes...
There are those moments when I am completely and utterly a child. A child in the real sense of the word. Not childish. Not immature. Not wanting my mommy (which I often do).

I mean those moments when I catch a glimpse of the Never Never Land. When I can smell its sandy shore. I will no longer land there...

And that's okay. Though it hurts something awful sometimes.  

But.

We were made to grow. Up? Old?

Old. Perhaps with a sprinkling of up.

There is something inherently good about being a child. There is something beautiful and wonderful and breathtakingly lovely about being a child.

I sense in every summer breeze...and around Christmas time. Oh yes...always around Christmas time...

I never saw Boo Radley. I wonder if he saw me?

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

Letting Go...

Goodbye's are always bitter-sweet.

To be going is an incredible thing. It's good to go. To get somewhere. To move along. To live.

That's why it's bitter-sweet.

Is someone always left behind? Are goodbye's one person going on and one person staying.

I am staying. I'm in a waiting place. Waiting.

Left behind?

I'm not so sure...

I do know this. Letting go does not mean giving away forever. Goings are not forever. Going in and of itself implies return.

But living is. Living is forever.

Am I living? Truly? Deeply? I am alive. But do I live?

I know it's like letting a bit of your heart take to the road. Arms spread. Flying. And somehow the rest of you is still on the ground watching it go.

Watching with all hope and happiness and joy. Watching with all pride and fascination.

Watching with all longing and wonderment.

I do not know why I am staying, or waiting, or whatever it is I'm doing.

But, I do know that I will. I will wait. I will stay. I will watch. I will live, in my own way.

I will keep making my arms stronger, so one day I can fly.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

{Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling,
So kiss me.}

 BOLD>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>ITALICS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>UNDERLINED>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

NORMAL>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I AM ACHING FOR SPRING!!!

Seriously, it's like this well inside of me, building up. I can smell it in the air. I am dying for green things.

And I saw some green things, pushing their way through the dark earth, and it was beautiful.

Also, I know some who are the bravest and the strongest and I love them.

With utmost sincerity, 
Kaitlin R.

That first place...

I realized something the other night, as I was falling asleep. 

I feel like my whole life has been winter. I have not always felt like this. But the last few months have made me feel like my whole existence, all my thoughts, dreams, hopes, fears...all have been in winter. That all I've ever known is winter. That all I'll ever be is winter. This is not true, because I've lived every season of the soul more than once. And every season of the soul is a season I enjoy. Every season of the earth is a season I enjoy because God made them and gave them to me.

But it's winter now. 

And I have to keep hoping for spring. I have to keep searching for spring. I have to believe in spring. I have to believe spring will come, and with it something else to thaw my soul.

I keep hoping for spring. Hoping so much it hurts. Hurts because the icy tendrils on my heart get nervous. Nervous because they don't want it to be spring. Spring because it's a threat to their life and they don't want to let go. Go because they must. Must because I have to be green again. Again because that's what I was in that First Place.

I need to be green again.

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.

Sometimes I want to be kissed. 

Is that bad? Probably not. 

College has become a jumble of walking and cold and shoving information into my brain where is pokes the backs of my eyes. Sometimes causing headaches, sometimes causing me to see things I never saw before. 

I want to be a Church Archivist when I grow up. 

I have an awful lot of growing up to do; I realize that more and more everyday. 

I have a very low hemoglobin level. I tried to donate blood today but was unable to. Low iron...hmmm...highly suspect. 

I work on strengthening my arm muscles so that one day I can fly. 

The Constitution of the United States is an incredible and beautiful thing. It's not something to be treated lightly, or to be considered "out dated" because it's not. 

{Except my life, except my life, except my life...}

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R.

Those were the stories...

Bask in this glorious and hopeful message...

"Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. 

Frodo: What are we fighting for, Sam?"

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

I just...I can't describe my love for The Lord of the Rings. There's so much. Really...just, ah...

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R. 

Track 4...

{We are, all of us, children. Waiting. Watching. Hoping. Daring to believe.}

With utmost sincerity, 
Kaitlin R.

Wilson!!!

{You know me like medicine companies know the flavor of fruit.

Which is to say, not at all.}

{But, you still do your job...so I suppose that makes up for it.}

{And I guess it's not your fault.}

Say hello to the week of Thanksgiving! It's weird that it's so soon...I feel like it should still be ages away.

But,

I'm thankful for monkey's and apple cider.

For blue jeans and grass.

For knowing looks and the orange glow of street lamps on wet sidewalks.

For my Savoir who's kind enough to keep reminding me, because I forget.

Way. Too. Often.

(Should that be 'to'?)

For my God who answers my prayers in ways I expect and ways I don't.

For mummy's and archeologists.

For Lemony Snicket and J.K. Rowling.

For C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien.

For faux leather boots and the word "fluffly" (which, technically isn't a real word, but whatever, right?).

For pears and pickles and parachutes.

For you.

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.

 

Santa Claus...

I love this weather.

So.

Dang.

Much.

I love listening to Christmas music.

Yes, I know it's not Thanksgiving yet.

Sue me.

I am soooo excited for Thanksgiving!

See, you can still appreciate and enjoy and look forward to Thanksgiving while listening to Christmas music.

Here's the thing.

The last two months of the year are probably the most special to me. And that's because of one thing.

Family.

Family, family, family. I am convinced in my heart of heart, my soul of soul, that the family is central to God's plan of happiness. I know this too be true.

Yes, I so enjoy getting and giving presents. Yes, the snow makes everything more magical. The season is one of greatness and joy and love.

But, without family and without God...presents, snow, etc...they mean nothing.

It's because of family, my one on Earth and my one above, that I believe in Santa Claus, that I enjoy the snow more, that I have something to laugh about.

And I am so grateful I can have mine forever.

So, next time you are outside in that magical snowfall, next time you are hearing those sleigh-bells, next time you are dancing to the glorious Christmas music, next time you feel a thrill of hope to know that Thanksgiving is so close...

Remember that hand that wrote it all, and what He has given you that is far more important than any worldly thing.

I love you all. Happy Sabbath.

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.   

      

The boy who lived...

On this night 31 years ago, Lily and James Potter were murdered by Lord Voldemort.

Their son, Harry Potter, survived the killing curse.

To Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived.

Oh, and it was Halloween! Yay!

I like Halloween! I dressed up as Indiana Jones! (Pictures coming soon, because I know you all care!)

Okay, love and chocolate!

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.      

Dear someone...

Dear someone,

You're trying to make me feel better, but it just makes me feel worse.

You're very kind to me because that's what's expected of you, not because you care. 

I don't feel an overwhelming need to talk to you, because I have no idea what to say.

And if I say anything, it's the usual, "hello, how are you?...Good?...Good...yeah, I'm good too..."

And I am, but I'm a million different other things that I can't articulate. So that makes me wonder if you're a million different other things too.

And I know my hair was a little greasy, but sometimes that can't be helped. 

And I know my jeans were a little too tight around the middle, but they'd just been washed and weren't stretched out to the proper, comfortable position.

I don't know what you're looking for, and I don't know why I even care.

With utmost sincerity,
Kaitlin R. 

 

 

 

Hero's get remembered...

There's nothing to say,

nothing to do,

nothing to say,

nothing to do...

 But, sit and dream of you.

I'm watching "The Sandlot." Good movie. It was filmed in Utah.

{But legends never die.}

{Follow your heart kid...}

{...and you'll never go wrong.}

Watch Olan Rogers on YouTube. You'll laugh your guts out.

I got to make jack o'lantern's at work today.

Check, check, success!
 

{I just got the best dang chicken tenders...}

Laughing just makes my heart lighter.

Makes the world a little bit brighter.

Opens your eyes.

Open's the skies.

Life's just a big bowl of jello.

And do you have a spoon???

[I'm tired, and bored...and I can't get italics off...]

Weeoooweeoooweeeoooweeooo!

There's a man I love, and his name is Richard Armitage. {heart, heart, heart!}

If you have Netflix, and time, watch

North and South.

It's beautiful, and you'll fall in love with Richard Armitage too! 

With utmost sincerity,

Kaitlin R.

 

Yes...

Yes.

I'm still here.

Sorry it's been so long.

 

{if lost, it can be found again, unless it's sunk into the sea.

if gone, it can come back again, though you never came to me.

if hurting, it can feel whole again, unless the time's too late.

if hating, you can love once more, because that is our fate. } 

It's sort of a depressing poem in some ways, but life's depressing in some ways.

On a brighter note, the church is true, the gospel is real, and our beloved prophet is truly a prophet of God.

Have grand adventures!

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.

The race...

She was a tortoise. He was a hare.

And they ran the race together.

With utmost sincerity, 

Kaitlin R.